[It isn't fair. Keith hates everything about this situation, about falling asleep at the controls, about being so damn weak when all he wants is to be strong. No amount of training can remove this weakness, however. Lifting weights or running miles won't make him magically sleep again. The paladins will know Shiro offers his name only out of pity, Keith is sure of it.
Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a paladin to begin with, like the garrison. Maybe he's just as replaceable here as the garrison.
Lance could pilot the red lion. ]
Don't tell them. [He repeats, though quieter, more distant.]
[ This is going nowhere. No matter what he suggests or offers, Keith turns it down. Pretty soon, this isn't going to be a compromise, it's going to have to be an order. Shiro doesn't want to have to make a decision that will leave Keith uncomfortable, but he's not going to have much choice if this keeps up. The safety of the whole team is more important than one person's comfort. ]
Keith.
[ His voice is firmer now, as it seems he needs to get more serious about this. He's still sympathetic, he is, but there's only so far that can go. He has to keep the team's best interest in mind. ]
Something has to be done. You know that. No one is going to think any less of you because saying something won't make you look weak. You're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
[ There's a beat, and Shiro softens just slightly. ]
You're not the only one who's been bothered by the noise. It'll be better for everyone if we put a stop to it.
[Keith throws his hands up in a more evident cue to his frustration than he usually gives. Exhaustion makes him louder, more candid, more easily disrupted.]
You're not the one who got kicked out of the garrison.
[Well shit. That's not--- that's not what he wanted to say. This is officially in not-okay territory and he sets his shoulders. Of all the people and all the conversations, he had to bring up that while Shiro wants him to tell the others he can't sleep because he's weak and dumb and a screw-up.]
I'll just... [His voice is much quieter now, vulnerable and raw.] I'll leave. If it's best for the team and the universe, I'll leave.
[The cause is too important to let one screw-up ruin it.]
[ Taken aback by the outburst, Shiro doesn't respond right away. That's... He hadn't realized that being kicked out of the Garrison is something that still bothers Keith. It's not something he ever brings up--but then, given the way he's been about telling the other paladins about his sleep problems, maybe that makes sense.
It's the talk of leaving that gains Shiro's rapt attention, however. An incredulous frown sets across his face as he stares at Keith in disbelief. ]
What? No! That is not what's best for the team!
[ Keith's voice may be quieter, but Shiro's has only gotten louder. He's not yelling by any means, but this is closer than he ever really gets with the paladins.
It's only about a fraction of a second before he's deflating, exhaling heavily and softening his tone again. ]
Keith, you're being ridiculous. This isn't something worth leaving the team over. It's something we can fix, and we need you.
[ A beat, and he hesitates for a moment. ]
It doesn't matter if you got kicked out of the Garrison. No one's judging you for that. You're still one of our best fighters and pilots.
[Keith gives another eye roll and is about to reply back to Shiro's shout when the other paladin deflates. This isn't worth robbing Shiro of more energy or the team of its leader. He sets his lips in a thin line and crosses his arms at the rest of Shiro's reply, not taking even the slightest relief from the affirmation. Sure, Lance has lessened the jibing about how Keith flunked out of the garrison, but every time it calls back the memories of being so lost, so unsure, so isolated in the desert looking for answers.
He thought he'd found them in Shiro and in Voltron.] You can't say that. I almost got them killed today.
[While Shiro certainly leads the team, Keith can't take him as the orator of the rest of the team's opinions.]
[ Knowing that Keith is stubborn, it shouldn't be much of a surprise when he continues to argue. And yet, it is. He was the one who'd argued when Pidge had wanted to leave the team in the beginning, so it's bizarre, hearing him say these things. Fighting to leave.
While Shiro would normally respect the decision, he knows this isn't what Keith actually wants. This is his frustration with himself getting to him, this is... possibly his fear of his own weakness getting to him. It's not the sort of thing Shiro will allow to influence a big decision like this one. ]
That wasn't incompetence. You're exhausted and your body is having a hard time functioning. That has nothing to do with your actual ability, and you know it.
[ Crossing his own arms, he shakes his head. He's not hearing this. He's not going to let Keith tear himself down for something that isn't even his fault. ]
It's not about whether or not you'd cause a fuss, Keith. You'd be leaving for the wrong reasons. You can't give up just because you're afraid of what others will think; no one gets anywhere like that.
[It's different, Keith would say. Pidge had planned on leaving for selfish reasons, while Keith argues now for his own incompetence, for the inherent risk he brought with him. He's weak. He's unable to stay focused in combat. And yet, when Shiro airs the core of the issue between them, Keith finds himself quick to deny.]
I'm not afraid. [It's almost a growl, pissed Shiro would even suggest that Keith was afraid. He wasn't afraid of anything, not now, not ever.
(But it's just like the garrison all over again and he won't go through that another time.)]
[ Of course they're not getting anywhere without Keith getting pissed. Shiro's not surprised, nor is he angry when the other paladin practically snarls at him. He's just tired and frustrated that Keith is letting this get to him. He understands, he really does, but there's no denying that it'd be nicer if they could settle this over a calm conversation where no one got worked up. ]
You are.
[ If he wasn't, the comment wouldn't have hit so close to home and thus wouldn't have had Keith snapping back into anger. ]
And that's fine. Everyone has fears and everyone gets afraid sometimes. You just have to be willing to face that.
[ Running and hiding from your fears doesn't help with anything but making them worse. That's something that Keith clearly needs to learn, along with the fact that it's okay to be afraid and to admit to being so. ]
[Shiro's response cuts into Keith's breath and he stares wide-eyed for perhaps a moment too long. No. He isn't afraid. Shiro's wrong. Keith isn't afraid. If he were afraid, that would make him weak and--- and Shiro keeps going. Keith listens to about half of what the other paladin says before burying himself into the illusion that if he runs, it makes this okay, everything will be better if he just weren't here right now.
He doesn't regret rescuing Shiro, not for a second, and he doesn't regret leading the others to the blue lion, but maybe... just maybe that's all he was supposed to do. He wasn't meant to be a paladin anymore than he was meant to be a fighter pilot.
Now or ever.
It's humiliating. He's buried himself so deep in this cause and yet he's still so undeserving of it. Still so weak, so small, so useless.]
You're lying. [He blurts it out without thinking first. No one else seems to have this issue, no one else seems afraid.]
[ Really, why would he put this much effort into an argument if he didn't see Keith as an important member of the team? This is getting ridiculous. Stubbornness is being taken to a whole new level and he almost can't believe that Keith doesn't think any of the rest of them have been afraid at some point. He probably wouldn't believe it if it hadn't just been stated the way it had. ]
You don't think every single one of us has been scared at some point out here? Maybe no one else has been this afraid to look weak in front of everyone else, but I can guarantee we're all hiding some big fear that we don't want anyone to see.
[ Drawing a breath to steady himself, Shiro gives Keith a long look. This discussion is taking so many tangents, but they're all interconnected and seem to come down ultimately to fear. If he can get Keith to admit to his fear and see that it's a perfectly normal thing, he stands a chance of being able to get things sorted out. The only problem is that getting Keith to face the fact that he's afraid honestly is far more challenging than he ever anticipated.
Glancing away from the other paladin, he takes a moment to think. The easiest way to prove that Keith isn't the only one who's afraid of something? Admitting to one of his own fears. It's hard, he's not denying that, but it's something he's willing to do for the sake of someone else's peace of mind.
When he finally speaks again, it's more quietly and done without looking at Keith. ]
...I'm afraid to remember more of what happened to me while I was prisoner to the Galra. What I did while I was there. I'm afraid of what I might learn about myself.
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no subject
Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a paladin to begin with, like the garrison. Maybe he's just as replaceable here as the garrison.
Lance could pilot the red lion. ]
Don't tell them. [He repeats, though quieter, more distant.]
no subject
Keith.
[ His voice is firmer now, as it seems he needs to get more serious about this. He's still sympathetic, he is, but there's only so far that can go. He has to keep the team's best interest in mind. ]
Something has to be done. You know that. No one is going to think any less of you because saying something won't make you look weak. You're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
[ There's a beat, and Shiro softens just slightly. ]
You're not the only one who's been bothered by the noise. It'll be better for everyone if we put a stop to it.
no subject
You're not the one who got kicked out of the garrison.
[Well shit. That's not--- that's not what he wanted to say. This is officially in not-okay territory and he sets his shoulders. Of all the people and all the conversations, he had to bring up that while Shiro wants him to tell the others he can't sleep because he's weak and dumb and a screw-up.]
I'll just... [His voice is much quieter now, vulnerable and raw.] I'll leave. If it's best for the team and the universe, I'll leave.
[The cause is too important to let one screw-up ruin it.]
no subject
It's the talk of leaving that gains Shiro's rapt attention, however. An incredulous frown sets across his face as he stares at Keith in disbelief. ]
What? No! That is not what's best for the team!
[ Keith's voice may be quieter, but Shiro's has only gotten louder. He's not yelling by any means, but this is closer than he ever really gets with the paladins.
It's only about a fraction of a second before he's deflating, exhaling heavily and softening his tone again. ]
Keith, you're being ridiculous. This isn't something worth leaving the team over. It's something we can fix, and we need you.
[ A beat, and he hesitates for a moment. ]
It doesn't matter if you got kicked out of the Garrison. No one's judging you for that. You're still one of our best fighters and pilots.
no subject
He thought he'd found them in Shiro and in Voltron.] You can't say that. I almost got them killed today.
[While Shiro certainly leads the team, Keith can't take him as the orator of the rest of the team's opinions.]
Look. I'll make it quiet. No fuss.
no subject
While Shiro would normally respect the decision, he knows this isn't what Keith actually wants. This is his frustration with himself getting to him, this is... possibly his fear of his own weakness getting to him. It's not the sort of thing Shiro will allow to influence a big decision like this one. ]
That wasn't incompetence. You're exhausted and your body is having a hard time functioning. That has nothing to do with your actual ability, and you know it.
[ Crossing his own arms, he shakes his head. He's not hearing this. He's not going to let Keith tear himself down for something that isn't even his fault. ]
It's not about whether or not you'd cause a fuss, Keith. You'd be leaving for the wrong reasons. You can't give up just because you're afraid of what others will think; no one gets anywhere like that.
no subject
I'm not afraid. [It's almost a growl, pissed Shiro would even suggest that Keith was afraid. He wasn't afraid of anything, not now, not ever.
(But it's just like the garrison all over again and he won't go through that another time.)]
no subject
You are.
[ If he wasn't, the comment wouldn't have hit so close to home and thus wouldn't have had Keith snapping back into anger. ]
And that's fine. Everyone has fears and everyone gets afraid sometimes. You just have to be willing to face that.
[ Running and hiding from your fears doesn't help with anything but making them worse. That's something that Keith clearly needs to learn, along with the fact that it's okay to be afraid and to admit to being so. ]
no subject
He doesn't regret rescuing Shiro, not for a second, and he doesn't regret leading the others to the blue lion, but maybe... just maybe that's all he was supposed to do. He wasn't meant to be a paladin anymore than he was meant to be a fighter pilot.
Now or ever.
It's humiliating. He's buried himself so deep in this cause and yet he's still so undeserving of it. Still so weak, so small, so useless.]
You're lying. [He blurts it out without thinking first. No one else seems to have this issue, no one else seems afraid.]
no subject
[ Really, why would he put this much effort into an argument if he didn't see Keith as an important member of the team? This is getting ridiculous. Stubbornness is being taken to a whole new level and he almost can't believe that Keith doesn't think any of the rest of them have been afraid at some point. He probably wouldn't believe it if it hadn't just been stated the way it had. ]
You don't think every single one of us has been scared at some point out here? Maybe no one else has been this afraid to look weak in front of everyone else, but I can guarantee we're all hiding some big fear that we don't want anyone to see.
[ Drawing a breath to steady himself, Shiro gives Keith a long look. This discussion is taking so many tangents, but they're all interconnected and seem to come down ultimately to fear. If he can get Keith to admit to his fear and see that it's a perfectly normal thing, he stands a chance of being able to get things sorted out. The only problem is that getting Keith to face the fact that he's afraid honestly is far more challenging than he ever anticipated.
Glancing away from the other paladin, he takes a moment to think. The easiest way to prove that Keith isn't the only one who's afraid of something? Admitting to one of his own fears. It's hard, he's not denying that, but it's something he's willing to do for the sake of someone else's peace of mind.
When he finally speaks again, it's more quietly and done without looking at Keith. ]
...I'm afraid to remember more of what happened to me while I was prisoner to the Galra. What I did while I was there. I'm afraid of what I might learn about myself.