lydlos | takashi shirogane open post

[ Since their talk on the bridge, Keith still hasn't been sleeping. Not well, if at all. The irritability hasn't gone down and he looks constantly exhausted. But nothing is more damning evidence than when a few days later, he falters in the middle of a mission. He could have gotten himself or someone else killed, and Shiro has officially gone from concerned to Worried.

When things are over with and everyone returns to the castle, he's quick to hunt Keith down. It's the first thing that he does. Everything else can wait, but this can't. Not any longer than it already has. This needs a solution, and it needs one now because he is not okay with calling someone weak with a lack of sleep into battle. That's not safe for anybody, and none of this is healthy for Keith.

Coming up behind the other paladin in the hallway, Shiro places a hand on Keith's shoulder to get his attention. ]

Keith, we need to have another talk.

[ If there's a stern edge in his voice, well, that can't be helped. This isn't a time for gentle amusement like their last conversation held, this is much more serious. He intends to get that across. ]

[Days pass blurred together into one long, miserable consciousness and nights of barely stitched hours of rest aren't nearly enough. Microsleeps plague their briefings and training alike, but those seem minor in comparison to today's mission. He fell asleep at the wheel, couldn't get his head focused on Voltron and nearly got the others killed, nevermind that Red dropped straight out of the sky. His lion needed repairs, his teammates were pissed, and the encroaching shame claws onto his shoulders.

This was his fault.

If he weren't so weak, he'd be sleeping like a baby at night like the others, but he isn't--- can't.

Maybe... maybe he can't just 'get used to it.' Maybe he won't ever get used to it.

He doesn't hear Shiro behind him, doesn't realize he isn't alone in the hallway until a hand connects with his shoulder. Instinct and training kick in, but the exhaustion slows him down terribly. What may have been a punch is only half-complete as Keith blinks up at Shiro.

Oh.

Oh.]

It won't happen again. [Like the last time they talked, he's trying to head Shiro off at the pass.]

[ If Keith had completed the swing, it's likely the punch would have landed. Shiro isn't remotely prepared for a violent response, and he ends up staring at the other paladin's fist for a long moment, startled. Startled, and being given yet another show of how much they need to talk about this. Keith hadn't heard him coming, must have been zoned out or something, and immediately assumed he was being attacked upon feeling the hand on his shoulder. While that instinct isn't bad to have, it's no good if Keith is constantly this out of it.

Shiro's gaze flits to Keith's face as he speaks, eyebrows knitting together again at the words. Won't happen again? It shouldn't have happened once. This is out of hand, and no, it won't happen again. Because they're solving it today, no matter what. They're going to talk to the other three about the noise levels, whether Keith wants to or not. It's not his choice at this point. ]

You can't guarantee that. Not if this lack of sleep continues to be a problem.

[ Pulling his hand back from the other paladin's shoulder, Shiro folds his arms over his chest and shakes his head. ]

It needs to be dealt with. You can't keep going like this. It's not good for the team, and it's not good for you.

[Keith steps back from Shiro, recoiling as if burned. His inability to sleep has officially gotten out of hand but he's tried everything to get more sleep. Sleeping at odd hours does nothing to help, neither does plugging his ears with the food goo. The cryopods are the very last option, but who really knows how those work? Not Keith.]

I am dealing with it. [He snaps back, his patience officially drained (what little there ever was after being whittled down by his lack of sleep). He's not a child. He knows what's at stake here and Shiro's reminders don't do anything (in his mind) to solve the problem.]

Nothing works, okay? [He's embarrassed and furious and, most of all, utterly ashamed of himself. The problem is him. Everything about him since he became a paladin. At this point, the team would function better without him. It's like the garrison all over again and he doesn't know what he would do if he couldn't be a paladin anymore.]

[ The problem isn't Keith. It's not as though it's his fault that he can't sleep, and Shiro doesn't blame him for any of this. All of it is just unfortunate circumstances, and the only fault around here is Keith's unwillingness to say anything about the issue.

Thankfully, Shiro has patience. Keith's anger doesn't test his temper, rather he remains calm, if a bit frustrated. This shouldn't be as big of a problem as it's become and no doubt it would have been solved days ago if they had simply spoken with the other paladins about everything. Better late than never, though. ]

That's why we need to tell the others.

[ Keith is going to protest, he knows that. But this isn't a question or a suggestion anymore; this time, it's an order. There's no other choice. Clearly this issue isn't going to go away on its own, and it's only going to keep getting worse unless they do something different from the solutions Keith has already attempted. ]

If nothing else is working, we need to eliminate the noise.

[Keith goes pale and still at Shiro's suggestion they tell the others about the noise problem. If it's possible, he's become even less receptive to the idea, despite his lack of sleep. This isn't about the other paladins anymore, it's about him and his inability to sleep, his weakness. He'd rather try sleeping in a cryopod than tell the others. Already, he's imagining their reactions, colored darker with his fatigue. They would be so disappointed and he hates that he cares about their opinion of him.]

You said you wouldn't. You promised. [He sounds like a five year old, not someone about to leave his teenager years and the moment the words have left his mouth he regrets them.

Promises aren't real. Shiro has no reason to stand by what he said, especially now that Keith is risking the team's safety.]

And I've kept that promise. But this isn't working, Keith, and we have to do something before it gets any worse.

[ He doesn't want to force Keith into talking about an issue that he doesn't want to, but what other choice is there at this point? Nothing else is working, and he's not going to let the other paladin wither away from a lack of sleep just to keep his ego from getting bruised. It's not even like the other three are going to think any less of him. Shiro's sure they'll understand.

There's a pause, followed by a sigh as he glances away. He feels bad, but this is necessary. Raising his forearms and shoulders in a shrug, his gaze finds Keith's again. ]

What else would you have me do?

[Keith watches Shiro as he looks away and his throat closes up. No no no. Shiro's got that look on his face and Keith panicks.]

The cryopods. [The idea falls out of his mouth before he's fully considered it, but he's desperate. It sounds so stupid out in the air between them and he tears his own gaze away from his leader and friend.] They can be set for one night, right?

[ The...cryopods? He hasn't considered those. They might work, but it feels more like it should be a last resort, especially considering they won't solve the problem, they'll only help for maybe a day or two. ]

...I think so.

[ Shiro's expression doesn't change very much, aside from more concern knitting in his brow. While he wants to handle this the way that's most comfortable for Keith, that...doesn't seem like a viable possibility. ]

But you can't rely on cryopods to get sleep. We can't put you in one every night. What if we fell under attack in the middle of the night? It's just not ideal.

[Keith expected an answer like that. He expected it and he's still crushed. Turning away doesn't save him from the reality of the situation either. He's weak, he can't do this.]

Don't tell them, Shiro. Please.

[He's not sure what other options they have, but telling the other paladins isn't on his list.]

[ This does nothing to make him feel any better about this. Falling silent as Keith pleads for him to not tell anyone, Shiro stays that way for a moment. He watches Keith, regarding him carefully, trying to come up with some other solution. What else can they do? He can't not take some kind of action. The situation is too serious to be left alone. ]

What if we said it's not just you? We could tell them that neither of us have been able to sleep because of the noise.

[ That wouldn't technically be a lie. It's not as though he's been sleeping all that well either, it's just that the noise level isn't the thing that's been keeping him up the most. Certainly hasn't helped, though. ]

You have to understand that I can't not do anything about this.

[It isn't fair. Keith hates everything about this situation, about falling asleep at the controls, about being so damn weak when all he wants is to be strong. No amount of training can remove this weakness, however. Lifting weights or running miles won't make him magically sleep again. The paladins will know Shiro offers his name only out of pity, Keith is sure of it.

Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a paladin to begin with, like the garrison. Maybe he's just as replaceable here as the garrison.

Lance could pilot the red lion. ]

Don't tell them. [He repeats, though quieter, more distant.]

[ This is going nowhere. No matter what he suggests or offers, Keith turns it down. Pretty soon, this isn't going to be a compromise, it's going to have to be an order. Shiro doesn't want to have to make a decision that will leave Keith uncomfortable, but he's not going to have much choice if this keeps up. The safety of the whole team is more important than one person's comfort. ]

Keith.

[ His voice is firmer now, as it seems he needs to get more serious about this. He's still sympathetic, he is, but there's only so far that can go. He has to keep the team's best interest in mind. ]

Something has to be done. You know that. No one is going to think any less of you because saying something won't make you look weak. You're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

[ There's a beat, and Shiro softens just slightly. ]

You're not the only one who's been bothered by the noise. It'll be better for everyone if we put a stop to it.

[Keith throws his hands up in a more evident cue to his frustration than he usually gives. Exhaustion makes him louder, more candid, more easily disrupted.]

You're not the one who got kicked out of the garrison.

[Well shit. That's not--- that's not what he wanted to say. This is officially in not-okay territory and he sets his shoulders. Of all the people and all the conversations, he had to bring up that while Shiro wants him to tell the others he can't sleep because he's weak and dumb and a screw-up.]

I'll just... [His voice is much quieter now, vulnerable and raw.] I'll leave. If it's best for the team and the universe, I'll leave.

[The cause is too important to let one screw-up ruin it.]

[ Taken aback by the outburst, Shiro doesn't respond right away. That's... He hadn't realized that being kicked out of the Garrison is something that still bothers Keith. It's not something he ever brings up--but then, given the way he's been about telling the other paladins about his sleep problems, maybe that makes sense.

It's the talk of leaving that gains Shiro's rapt attention, however. An incredulous frown sets across his face as he stares at Keith in disbelief. ]

What? No! That is not what's best for the team!

[ Keith's voice may be quieter, but Shiro's has only gotten louder. He's not yelling by any means, but this is closer than he ever really gets with the paladins.

It's only about a fraction of a second before he's deflating, exhaling heavily and softening his tone again. ]

Keith, you're being ridiculous. This isn't something worth leaving the team over. It's something we can fix, and we need you.

[ A beat, and he hesitates for a moment. ]

It doesn't matter if you got kicked out of the Garrison. No one's judging you for that. You're still one of our best fighters and pilots.

[Keith gives another eye roll and is about to reply back to Shiro's shout when the other paladin deflates. This isn't worth robbing Shiro of more energy or the team of its leader. He sets his lips in a thin line and crosses his arms at the rest of Shiro's reply, not taking even the slightest relief from the affirmation. Sure, Lance has lessened the jibing about how Keith flunked out of the garrison, but every time it calls back the memories of being so lost, so unsure, so isolated in the desert looking for answers.

He thought he'd found them in Shiro and in Voltron.] You can't say that. I almost got them killed today.

[While Shiro certainly leads the team, Keith can't take him as the orator of the rest of the team's opinions.]

Look. I'll make it quiet. No fuss.

[ Knowing that Keith is stubborn, it shouldn't be much of a surprise when he continues to argue. And yet, it is. He was the one who'd argued when Pidge had wanted to leave the team in the beginning, so it's bizarre, hearing him say these things. Fighting to leave.

While Shiro would normally respect the decision, he knows this isn't what Keith actually wants. This is his frustration with himself getting to him, this is... possibly his fear of his own weakness getting to him. It's not the sort of thing Shiro will allow to influence a big decision like this one. ]

That wasn't incompetence. You're exhausted and your body is having a hard time functioning. That has nothing to do with your actual ability, and you know it.

[ Crossing his own arms, he shakes his head. He's not hearing this. He's not going to let Keith tear himself down for something that isn't even his fault. ]

It's not about whether or not you'd cause a fuss, Keith. You'd be leaving for the wrong reasons. You can't give up just because you're afraid of what others will think; no one gets anywhere like that.

[It's different, Keith would say. Pidge had planned on leaving for selfish reasons, while Keith argues now for his own incompetence, for the inherent risk he brought with him. He's weak. He's unable to stay focused in combat. And yet, when Shiro airs the core of the issue between them, Keith finds himself quick to deny.]

I'm not afraid. [It's almost a growl, pissed Shiro would even suggest that Keith was afraid. He wasn't afraid of anything, not now, not ever.

(But it's just like the garrison all over again and he won't go through that another time.)]

[ Of course they're not getting anywhere without Keith getting pissed. Shiro's not surprised, nor is he angry when the other paladin practically snarls at him. He's just tired and frustrated that Keith is letting this get to him. He understands, he really does, but there's no denying that it'd be nicer if they could settle this over a calm conversation where no one got worked up. ]

You are.

[ If he wasn't, the comment wouldn't have hit so close to home and thus wouldn't have had Keith snapping back into anger. ]

And that's fine. Everyone has fears and everyone gets afraid sometimes. You just have to be willing to face that.

[ Running and hiding from your fears doesn't help with anything but making them worse. That's something that Keith clearly needs to learn, along with the fact that it's okay to be afraid and to admit to being so. ]

[Shiro's response cuts into Keith's breath and he stares wide-eyed for perhaps a moment too long. No. He isn't afraid. Shiro's wrong. Keith isn't afraid. If he were afraid, that would make him weak and--- and Shiro keeps going. Keith listens to about half of what the other paladin says before burying himself into the illusion that if he runs, it makes this okay, everything will be better if he just weren't here right now.

He doesn't regret rescuing Shiro, not for a second, and he doesn't regret leading the others to the blue lion, but maybe... just maybe that's all he was supposed to do. He wasn't meant to be a paladin anymore than he was meant to be a fighter pilot.

Now or ever.

It's humiliating. He's buried himself so deep in this cause and yet he's still so undeserving of it. Still so weak, so small, so useless.]

You're lying. [He blurts it out without thinking first. No one else seems to have this issue, no one else seems afraid.]

Why would I be lying?

[ Really, why would he put this much effort into an argument if he didn't see Keith as an important member of the team? This is getting ridiculous. Stubbornness is being taken to a whole new level and he almost can't believe that Keith doesn't think any of the rest of them have been afraid at some point. He probably wouldn't believe it if it hadn't just been stated the way it had. ]

You don't think every single one of us has been scared at some point out here? Maybe no one else has been this afraid to look weak in front of everyone else, but I can guarantee we're all hiding some big fear that we don't want anyone to see.

[ Drawing a breath to steady himself, Shiro gives Keith a long look. This discussion is taking so many tangents, but they're all interconnected and seem to come down ultimately to fear. If he can get Keith to admit to his fear and see that it's a perfectly normal thing, he stands a chance of being able to get things sorted out. The only problem is that getting Keith to face the fact that he's afraid honestly is far more challenging than he ever anticipated.

Glancing away from the other paladin, he takes a moment to think. The easiest way to prove that Keith isn't the only one who's afraid of something? Admitting to one of his own fears. It's hard, he's not denying that, but it's something he's willing to do for the sake of someone else's peace of mind.

When he finally speaks again, it's more quietly and done without looking at Keith. ]

...I'm afraid to remember more of what happened to me while I was prisoner to the Galra. What I did while I was there. I'm afraid of what I might learn about myself.

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